Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
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Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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