i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know her cup size but not her name....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
