i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
