Fuck appropriateness.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
