Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
