Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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