just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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