apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
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she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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