I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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