i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
