i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You smell like stripper and shame
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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