I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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