hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
