just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
