nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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