Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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