haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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