I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
