Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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