I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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