i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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