why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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