I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
