either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
