Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
