probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
