I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
