God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
