remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize