His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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