just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
