he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
