My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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