I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
