I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
