I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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