just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
