It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
