So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
