im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
