she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
