why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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