Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i now understand why vodka
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
