There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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