she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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