Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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