my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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