I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
