went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
