god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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