the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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