Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
