Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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