Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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