I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
