you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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