everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
